Recently, there seems to be a recurring theme in what I am hearing from God. The places it is coming from are not connected at all, so it has caught my attention. A couple of months ago, I discovered the song “Maybe It’s OK,” by We Are Messengers. In the chorus, they sing, “Maybe it’s ok if I’m not ok, cause the one who holds the world is holding onto me.” I’ve really identified with the theme of being dirty and broken and knowing that it was OK. I’m not justifying sin here, just saying that even in the midst of that, God is still right there (see my last blog post for more on that).
Then at church this past week, we discussed the story of Rahab and the spies from Joshua 2. In Joshua 2, Rahab says ,”the Lord your God is God in heaven above and on the earth below. Now then, please swear to me by the Lord that you will show kindness to my family, because I have shown kindness to you.” She knows she is living an ungodly life and that God is going to destroy the city. Yet, she cries out for mercy. At no point does she even mention that she has any plans of changing her lifestyle. There is no conversion moment for Rehab in Joshua 2. At no point do the spies even bring it up.
There is such a beautiful conflict in the fact that Rahab didn’t profess God as her God and yet was used by Him at the same time. That conflict is a lie I have told myself for a long time. The truth is, even when I am not OK, God can (and does) use me. Pastor Jenny Smith, on the VOX podcast this week, said, “God is using us even in the midst of our brokenness.” How awesome is that?
I used to have the mindset that I had to have it together to write a blog post that God could use to impact someone. There are a few things wrong with that. First is that I’ll never have it all together. Secondly, that puts extreme limits on the power of God. Lastly, who would that actually communicate to? We are all living life and some have it more put together than others, but we are all going through ebbs and flows. We are all going to have the moments where it unravels. In theory, as we mature, we will handle it better, but the moments will still be there.
Instead, I’m learning to enjoy the journey more. It certainly isn’t easy, but I’m also not going to fake it. If I truly believe that God is omnipresent then He is there even in the worst of times. And his power isn’t hindered by my circumstances. I can still turn to Him and be used by Him on my worst days.
I will constantly strive to trust God more and show love more. But I will no longer feel the guilt and shame on the days when I’m not. Maybe it’s OK if I’m not OK.
until next time…